What not to do to slim up

I’m in the process of putting together a list of the basics with regards to losing weight and getting in shape – the proper, most efficient, most effective ways. However I’m not finished with it (it needs a decent amount of thought and time).

What I do have – courtesy of the plebbish mainstream media – is a list of things NOT to do. I mean honestly. Why.

Lets quickly go through it point by point. The scientific studies to support my comments will have to wait for another post (probably the future post I mentioned above). But trust me – I’m not wrong.

1. Eat Dessert

Yes, always. “A small amount can signal that the meal is over,” says Barbara Rolls, PhD, author of The Volumetrics Eating Plan. She ends her meals with a piece of high-quality chocolate.

Feck off! That is starting off with a clanger. If I always ate desert, I would not be trim. Full stop.

The meal is over when you decide to finish it. And what sort of idiot needs to be told – by their desert no less – that they’ve finished their dinner? If you have half a brain, you can figure out when you’ve had what you need – self-control is all that’s required to stop you from eating more, not a fricken desert! And how much harder is it to use that self-control when eating desert?!

This is pathetic on so many different levels. Deserts have next to no nutritional value: carbs and fat. Pretty much zero quality protein. I’m not much of a calorie counter, but desert nearly always has a disproportionately high amount of calories per portion size to a healthy savoury meal.

But the worst part is, deserts will always spike your blood sugar levels (and therefore insulin levels). Spiking insulin levels (by consuming fast absorbed carbs) is the primary cause for fatness in western society, in my opinion. Indeed, in any society. (Will get into this in more detail in future posts – suffice to say, the more you spike your insulin levels, the more your body will store carbohydrates as fat rather than burn it – and fat – as fuel) Deserts will always do this; plus deserts are generally an evening thing – the worst time of the day to eat refined carbs is in the evening, before you go to bed!

2. Get a Mustache

Consuming 1,800 milligrams of calcium a day could block the absorption of about 336 kJ, according to a University of Tennessee study. Jump-start your calcium intake by filling your coffee mug with skim or low-fat milk, drinking it down to the level you want in your coffee, then pouring in your caffeine fix. That’s 300 milligrams down, 1,500 to go.

Idiots. Dairy products – regardless of fat content – is a complete no-go when trying to lose fat. It majorly spikes insulin levels. Majorly. Infact, my advice for skinny guys wanting to put on mass (fat and/or muscle) is – among other things – to drink milk regularly.

And you know that over preached message about milk being good for your bones because of its calcium content? Yet again, the hallowed white-coat-wearing saints of “science” have probably been getting it wrong all this time: its likely that the human body manages to process very little – if any – of the calcium in cows milk; not only that, but what little you do absorb from cows milk may actually leech calcium from your bones!

The only exception to milk products I would make is whey protein isolate which because it (as indicated by its name)  is so “isolated” from the original source its effect is quite different (plus it is 93% high quality protein – excellent for muscle growth).

3. Spice Things Up

Capsaicin, the substance that puts the hot in hot chilli, temporarily boosts your metabolism. Dairy blocks capsaicin’s sweat-inducing signals better than water, though, so pair it with your favourite searing-hot dishes.

Possibly. Sweating is not proper weight loss – its just temporary water loss (in the same way, saunas are a waste of time – much better to have a cold shower). However it may boost metabolism (i.e., your body burns more fuel instead of storing it as fat).

Heh: note that they mention yet another downside of diary products in this very point.

4. Go Organic

That’s where you’re likely to find bread and cereal with fibre counts that put the conventional choices to shame. Thought you were doing well with your 3.6 grams-per-serving Weetbix? Organic Weetbix blows it away with 4.4 grams.

Bread and fucking cereal?! Want to lose fat while maintaining lean muscle? No bread and cereal for you! No matter how low calorie, low fat or high fibre it is. Bread and cereal are full of fast absorbing carbs, which will spike your insulin levels, which equates to “helloooo fatty!!”.

Oh by the way, 4.4grams of fibre is still shit anyway. Back in the days when I ate bread regularly, I wouldn’t eat anything that had less than 5 grams of fibre per 100grams – and it was nothing special. Almonds (very low carb) have 12grams of fibre per 100 grams.

5. Keep the Skin On

Speaking of fibre, a lot of it’s in the peel, whether it’s potatoes, apples, or pears. Even oranges: Don’t eat the whole peel, but keep the pith, that white, stringy stuff—it’s packed with heart-healthy compounds called flavonoids

Far out, potatoes?! Don’t touch them. You know all those young people walking around with muffin tops, but look otherwise slim (give them 5 years and that muffin top will have spread to the rest of the body)? I blame that on two things (here in the UK): alcohol and potatoes. Lots of nutritionally worthless, insulin spiking potatoes and alcohol.

But yes, always leave the skin on. However, don’t eat fruit to lose weight though. Vegetables (plus proteinous food) are the way to go.

6. Buy Pre-cut Vegetables

Sure, they cost more, but you’re more likely to eat them. “Make low-energy snacks as easy as possible,” Rolls says. “Keep vegetables as near to hand as you can. Make it so you have no excuse.”

Fair enough. I can agree with this.

7. Use The Good Food Guide

“When eating out, try ordering an entree-sized meal and a green side salad,” says Buntic. “Choose sparkling mineral water over wine, and if you must have dessert share it with a friend.” That way you’re in control of how much you eat—not the serving size itself.

Ok not a completely useless piece of advice. But lets get something straight: you are ALWAYS in control of how much you eat. No one is forcing you to eat everything set in front of you.

If you’re intent on losing weight, skip desert (unless its your designated cheat day – which should be no more than one day a week. In which case I’d eat all of it – bugger sharing it!)

8. Always Snack at 3 p.m.

Having a low-kilojoule snack now can stave off cravings for high-cal foods that might crop up later. 30 g of nuts or two sticks of string cheese weigh in at about 700 kJ.

Why this focus on calories still?! When will people cotton on to the fact that calories consumed does not equal calories absorbed, and that calories absorbed can be treated by the body in completely different ways, depending on what form the calories come in (protein, fat or carbs) and depending on what that human in question is doing (or not doing) at that given point in time?

It is not purely a calories eaten vs calories expended via exercise equation. Far from it.

However, do snack. On low carb, high-protein food only. E.g. nuts, protein shake, vegetables (although veges aren’t proteinous) etc.

9. Drink with Your Dominant Hand

If you’re circulating at a party, Rolls suggests keeping your glass in the hand you eat with. If you’re drinking with it, you can’t eat with it.

Trivial drivel.

10. Plate It

Whatever it is, don’t eat it out of the container and don’t bring the container to the couch. “Part of satiety is visual,” Anding says. “Your brain actually has to see the food on the plate, and when you reach into the jar or the box or the bag, you don’t see it.” If it’s worth eating, put it on a plate. Eat what’s there, then stop.

Maybe. Guess it depends on how stupid or dishonest with yourself you are.

11. Start with Salad 

It’s the holy grail of dieting—eat less by eating more. Rolls’ research has found that eating a salad as a first course decreased total lunch kilojoules by 12 per cent. Avoid the croutons and creamy dressings, which have the opposite effect.

Indeed. Vegetables should be the staple of all your meals, should you be serious about losing weight. Along with a decent amount of protein of course (chicken, eggs, fish, lamb for example).

12. Go Public

Enlist the help of friends, family, and co-workers—and know they’re watching. “The power of embarrassment is greater than willpower,” says Stephen Gullo, PhD, author of The Thin Commandments.

Sure, if you have to. Or, you could not tell them, and attempt to surprise them with your dramatic improvement in your looks a few weeks down the line.

13 . Use Your Fingers

Find a way other than food to work off your nervous energy. “It’s behaviour modification,” Anding says. “Instead of grabbing chips, you pick up your knitting—or anything else that occupies your hands.”

Maybe. I guess this would be useful if you’re in the habit of eating continuously.

Well there you go. Flat belly tips my *ss.

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